Progress
Wow – where to start…
There’s a whole lot that has happened since last I was able to blog. A whole lot has stayed the same. Most of it I will gloss over because I’m quite frankly too lazy to go back and figure out what happened. Some I’ll cover in upcoming blogs.
The most important thing that happened in the last month has been building for years. I have had bad carpal tunnel problems for about 5 years. I haven’t been able to sleep through the night without my hands going numb for about 3 years. Bending my left elbow made my hand go numb instantly, and bending my right wrist meant electric shocks similar to putting my hand in a light socket.
Finally I could take no more and went for help. On September 9th I had my right hand operated on and on September 23rd, the left one. Instantly the numbness was gone, but what was left was searing pain unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. This from a migraine sufferer. By the way, they do not recommend you do this. Note to self, listen to the doctor next time.
It’s been a difficult and challenging recovery. Everything I enjoy involves my hands – spinning, knitting, crocheting, canning, and even my work was affected (I’m a webmaster by trade). Thankfully my company gave me time off to recover. In all I will have been off a total of 6 weeks by the time I go back. I will need every day to recover. One month in from the first surgery and I still struggle to hold a pen.
I don’t do helpless well. I am used to being a strong independent woman who does what she wants whenever the hell she wants. The fact that I couldn’t pull on a pair of underwear without crying, let alone open a wine bottle has been a real lesson to me. I do not do downtime well. This forced period of “nothingness” has given me a lot of time to question and evaluate who I am as a crafter, a worker and a person. Some of the answers I came up with didn’t make me happy and I’m trying to learn from them, yet others made me very humbled.
I have been blessed during this period with a husband who comforted me when I was in tears, opened wine bottles without complaining, drove me places when I couldn’t drive, and cooked pasta for 4 nights in a row so I would be able to scoop something up to eat.
Pirkko has been a lifeline for me. She took me to the hospital for the surgery, tucked me in, and made sure to give me both pep talks and lectures when needed. I am awed by how generous one human being can be to another. She was my rock getting through this.
My friend Keziah was on the receiving end of more than one “I don’t think I can do this” emails so she took pity on me, came and collected me, brought me to her home and has taken good care of my body and my soul. We have an odd relationship. We have been like sisters every since dirt was new. Yet we have opposite opinions on many things. The wonder of this relationship is that it doesn’t matter at all to us. We ebb and flow in and out of each others lives as needed, picking up conversations that are started and stopped…sometimes years later.
The key word for my recovery has been “Progress”. Every day, my friend Arrie in Chicago would email me and say “what miracle did you perform today?”. The answers were marked by being able to fulfill simple basic human needs.
- Brush my teeth
- Put track pants on
- Put peanut butter on bread
- Tie my shoe
Each one of these was accompanied by pain. Sometimes so bad I would have to stop and throw up from it. But I made myself move forward, reciting “Progress” in my head as a mantra. By doing that, I ended up ahead of where the doctor said I should be. I kept a running log on Facebook so when I was having a bad day, I could say that just getting out of bed was “Progress”.
Yesterday I managed to put on a bra and do up a button on my jeans. That was Huge Progress. I shared it with everyone (even strangers who looked at me oddly) but I was so unbelievably pleased I couldn’t help it.
I’m still having bad days, but more good days. That for sure is Progress.
